


Catch me Amai Wana ni (Catch me in this sweet trap)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chaptered, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Out of Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: They were alone in that room. A closeness that could’ve been dangerous, hadn’t he become a master in controlling himself.He would’ve given everything he had for that moment to go on forever. To stay there, sitting next to him, breathing the same air as him, watching him, listening to all he had to say, all the most unimportant things.Without him standing up then, leaving. Going back to her.





	1. Kyou mo Tookute (Even today you're distant)

_Tsuretette doko e demo atashigoto_

_Kitsuku daite anata dake de yogoshite._

_*_

_Take me wherever you want, take away all I am_

_Hold me tight, taint me with your presence._

[Desire, Shibutani Subaru & Yasuda Shota]

****

Sitting in the green room, waiting for the shootings to start, Koki was thinking.

How long had he known him?

Ten years? Maybe even longer.

And yet, it was the first time he felt like he was slipping through his fingers.

There had been rumours, in the beginning. Then he had gotten more distant, as if he didn’t belong anymore to that realty that had pacifically embraced them during the years. As if he was growing apart from them, slowly and inexorably.

As if he was growing apart from him.

Koki had never been a possessive kind of guy, but he was very aware of his own limits. And since Junno had started seeing that girl, he had realized straight away he wasn’t going to stand it.

He had seen him smile. And on its own it wouldn’t have been strange, Taguchi’s life was a _continuous_ smile.

What concerned him was that he had never seen a smile quite like that on his face. It was different than usual, more involved, more... happy, somehow. And when he had found out its source, he could do nothing to voice all that had gone through his mind that very moment.

Because he couldn’t tell the truth. Not right then, when he had had years to do so.

He couldn’t tell Junno he loved him.

Basically since ever. He had met him and had fallen for that idiotic lanky teen, so cheerful to get on his nerves.

It happened often to wonder what had first attracted him, but he had given up finding an answer a long time ago.

It didn’t matter why, it just matters that he had him there every day, and the awareness of not being able to get as close as he would’ve liked was destroying him.

Now more than ever.

Junno had told him about her when it had just began, because he was his friend.

And Koki had smiled, had said something meaningless, had mocked him a little... and then he had gotten back home and had drunk half a bottle of rum, and still couldn’t achieve his goal of fogging his mind.

The next day at work he had acted like always, without showing any sign of rift in what was the character he had played for years.

And now, maybe, he regretted it a little. He wished he had owned that vague selfishness which would’ve allowed him to ruin his best friend’s happiness.

The man he loved.

But then perhaps, it wouldn’t have been love.

The train of his thoughts was interrupted by Taguchi’s entrance, the last person in the world he wished to see now.

“Koki! You’ve gotten here early.” he said, the usual bright smile on his face that the elder was starting to despise.

Koki sighed, then smiled back.

“It’s not _this_ early, Taguchi. Anyway, I had nothing better to do home.” he replied. The other man chuckled, for some reason known only to him, then went to sit at the other end of the couch, waiting for the others to arrive.

Koki squirmed a little.

They were alone in that room. A closeness that could’ve been dangerous, hadn’t he become a master in controlling himself.

He would’ve given everything he had for that moment to go on forever. To stay there, sitting next to him, breathing the same air as him, watching him, listening to all he had to say, all the most unimportant things.

Without him standing up then, leaving. Going back to her.

He wished Junno would’ve brought him with him, taking all he was, all he had to give. Holding him. Infecting him with his presence, like a drug.

He wished he had the right to say all of this out loud, but he was forced to keep quiet. As usual.

He saw Junno staring at him and raised his eyes to do the same. He looked questioningly at him, while the younger tilted his head, confused.

“Is there something wrong, Koki?” he asked, worried. He gave him a half-smile, shrugging.

“Nothing, baka. Nothing you should worry about, anyway.” he replied, careless.

Or, at least, that’s what he meant to show.

He stood on his feet, stretching and reaching the door.

“I think I’ll go grab a coffee. Do you want something?” he asked, trying to show nonchalance. Junno shook his head, still with that stupid, useless, _beautiful_ smile on his face.

Koki got out of the room, and as soon as he was out he breathed in deeply, as if he hadn’t gotten a chance to do so in the past few minutes.

He had a hard time being alone with him too long, like that.

He had a hard time looking at him, like that.

When he knew he didn’t belong to him, that he was never going to.

He almost hated him for that.

But never, _never_ , like he hated himself.

He wanted to bask in his presence, had he managed that. Hadn’t the pain been too sharp to bear.

Had he managed to see beyond what he felt for him, but he had given up by now.

He was condemned to life like that, now.


	2. Subete Sarake Dashite Mite (Try to confess it all)

_Zutto naku no wo gaman shitetara_

_Warae nakunatteta._

_*_

_If I’ll try not to cry_

_I’ll stop laughing as well._

[Doko ni Demo aru Uta, Ninomiya Kazunari]

****

He felt down.

It wasn’t something that he liked, nor that happened so often.

Yet, those few times, he felt like doing nothing but staying home, lying on the couch, thinking about nothing at all.

He rarely managed that.

Right that moment, while he tried to get distracted in any possible way, Taguchi couldn’t get Koki out of his mind.  

There was something weird with his friend, lately. He was one to be always ready to joke, laugh, talking with him, and lately he had been awfully distant.

He wished he could’ve pretended not to notice, he wanted to pretend he didn’t know when that behaviour had started, but as much as he tried it was impossible to ignore.

Koki hadn’t been the same since Junno had started dating Komine Rena.

When he had talked to him about it, his friend had seemed to take it well: he had made his congratulations, had mocked him as usual, had cracked bad jokes… nothing different from the Tanaka Koki he was used to.

He didn’t know what to think, he had no clue.

In his mind he kept coming up with dozens of excuses for Koki’s behaviour, one less likely than the other.

He had thought about jealousy, and he had stopped talking about her in front of him, he had always answered his calls, had always met him when he had asked, trying not to neglect him. Nothing had changed. Every time he saw him, his friend always looked gloomy, there was always something off about his eyes.

And Junno wished he knew how to bring the smile back to that face, that smile that had captivated him since they were juniors, that smile that meant Tanaka was happy, which for Junno mattered more than anything else.

He grabbed his phone to check for e-mails, then he kept staring at the display for a while.

He was really down.

He just wanted to stay home, doing nothing at all.

And yet, for some weird reason, he found himself calling Koki; his bad mood wasn’t going to go away on its own, and Junno had decided it was better to go straight to the source.

Let Koki tell him what was wrong, instead of leaving him like that, worrying about something he couldn’t name.

“ _Hi?_ ” he heard the other’s voice, his usual loud tone. Sharp.

“Koki? It’s me.” he said, uncertain. He didn’t know if the other man was glad to hear from him, but he decided it didn’t really matter.

Until he was going to admit he had a problem, Junno was free to pretend there was none.

“ _Ah... Junno. Hi. What is it?_ ” he asked, not impolite but neither showing any kind of emotion.

The younger bit his lip.

He didn’t want to fight, at all.

Again he pretended he didn’t notice the tone he had used, and went on.

“I’m home and I’m bored. Did you have dinner yet?”

There was a moment of silence on the other side, then finally an answer.

“ _No, actually I didn’t._ ”

“Great. Want to grab something to eat? I feel like yakiniku. My treat. It’s been a while since we’ve spent some time alone, you and I.” he suggested, trying to keep the cheerfulness in his voice constant.

He knew Koki was hesitating. He heard him clearly holding his breath, and he could almost imagine him biting his lips and brushing a hand over his face, trying to quickly think of an excuse.

As if he was going to let him have time for that.

“Okay, do I come and get you? See you in half an hour at your place.” he went on, without letting him reply.

“ _Actually..._ ” he said, but then he seemed to realize he wasn’t getting out of this. “ _Fine, I’ll be waiting_.” he agreed, sighing.

They hung up, and Junno kept still for a few seconds.

Willing or not, he wanted to know what was going through Koki’s mind. And he could get really annoying, when he wanted something.

 

~

 

Junno had stopped the car in front of Koki’s building a few minutes ago, when he saw him getting out the front door and running to the car, looking like he was cold.

“Hi.” he said, closing the door. He didn’t look him in the eyes, he crouched against the seat looking straight in front of him. The younger bit his tongue, avoiding yet another time to comment.

“Hi, Ko-chan.” he replied, deliberately using the nickname the other man despised.

In fact, he turned to glare at him.

“Don’t call me Ko-chan.” he muttered, irritated. Junno shook his head and smiled, before taking off to the restaurant.

Once they had sat down and started eating, Junno finally decided to bring the issue up.

Until now Koki had kept his eyes low on the food, too busy to mind him. But at least, the younger knew that it wasn’t his fault. He was always like that when he ate.

“Koki.” he said, falsely confident. He’d rather keep the conversation light, until he could’ve managed that.

“What?” the other asked, his mouth full.

“We need to talk.” he stated, more formal than the situation required. The elder put down the chopsticks, finally raising his eyes on him.

“Ah. About?” he asked, intentionally detached.

“About how you’ve started avoiding me. About how you’ve different from before.” Junno said, suddenly gotten very serious.

Koki made a half-smile, shaking his head.

“Before when?” he asked, in a barely audible whisper.

“Before I...” Junno hesitated, but in the end he took a deep breath and finished his sentence. “Before I started dating Rena.”

The smile on Koki’s face disappeared.

Taguchi wasn’t going to be messed with so easily. He knew the other man was expecting this answer, he knew he was aware of where this was going.

“Visionary.” he dismissed him after a few seconds, and went back eating as if nothing had happened.

Junno bit his lip.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy. It never was with Koki, not with his damn pride.

“Look at me, then.” he provoked him. And Koki looked, challenging, to show he was right.

But his eyes betrayed him, that strange mix of rage and sadness that Junno really couldn’t miss.

“You’re a liar.” he said, with an almost unreal calm.

“So tell me, genius, what do you think it’s my problem?” Koki asked, leaning heavily against the backrest and crossing his arms.

Taguchi didn’t answer right away; he knew he didn’t know the truth, after all it was the reason why they were here.

He could’ve kept his silence, wear him down.

Instead, he decided to speak.

“You’re jealous. Of Rena. Of the relationship I have with her.” he said. His voice was low, almost shy, questioningly. It showed that it wasn’t the right answer, that he had talked blindly, because the other hadn’t given him a clue.

Koki smiled, sadly, shaking his head.

He got up and bowed a little. “Thank you for dinner.” he murmured, then grabbed his jacket and left the restaurant.

Junno wanted to follow him, but he was tired.

Tired of chasing after him. Tired of not understanding him. Tired of the whole situation.

When and if he would’ve felt like talking, let him be the one to look for him.

He was a nice guy, and he loved Koki. But not enough to let him walk all over him.

He paid and left, going toward the car, his mind filled with thought.

Koki’s gaze, his words, his acts, tormented him. And they told him he wasn’t so far from the truth, but that he was missing something crucial.

He sat in the car, leaning against the seat and closing his eyes.

He felt like crying, but he didn’t want to.

He had always tried to avoid spilling tears as much as he could, until Koki himself had told him that if he had kept holding back tears, he would’ve stopped smiling as well. And that seeing him without his smiles would’ve been the worst it could happen.

He could pretend he was strong, that he have a pride; but that didn’t change the fact that he wanted his friend back, no matter the cost.

He burst into tears.

 


	3. Why Can't You See My Eyes?

_Maniau no nara I wanna hold ya_

_Kurui sou na kurai._

_*_

_If I make it in time I wanna hold ya_

_I feel all confused._

[One in a Million, Yamashita Tomohisa]

****

It had been a week since Koki had last spoken to Junno.

And he suffered. He suffered more than before.

He knew he hadn’t hidden too well the fact that there was something wrong between them; what he hadn’t expected, was for the other to face the problem so directly.

He hated himself.

He hated himself for making him worry, he hated himself because he couldn’t be honest with him. He hated that damn feeling that was consuming him.

And if before his attempts at not being alone with him were subtle, in these past few days he had made no mystery of the fact that he didn’t want to be with him more than the strict necessary.

The others had noticed. He felt their confused stares on him, but it was the least of his problems.

Junno, on his part, had tried to talk to him, miserably failing.

Anything he had to say, Koki didn’t want to hear.

He had felt too exposed, he had lived in the complete certainty of being able to stay on his path, without having to show that part of himself that loved Junno, pushing it so far down that maybe he could’ve even forgotten it existed.

That girl had messed with his plans.

He hadn’t expected to feel like this; he was aware that sooner or later Junno would’ve dated, that he would’ve loved someone, that perhaps it was even going to be forever.

But between imagining him happy with someone that wasn’t him, and seeing that happiness, there was an abyss.

All he would’ve wanted was to be the reason behind his smiles. And knowing that now he was just cause for pain, for concert, for confusion, added up to the guilt for that love that was _wrong_ for him to feel.

He brushed his face, uncertain as to what he should’ve done.

It was late, but not too much; still, he should’ve tried to get some sleep. His face showed clear the signs of his state of mind.

This thing with Junno had taken his smile away from him, his sleep, the will to do anything to get out of that hell.

The only thing that avoided him to hit rock bottom, was the lack of a clear rejection.

And it was what he needed, it was what it would’ve brought him peace.

Tell Junno what he was thinking and then being left empty, without that oppressing feeling that had been leaving him hanging for years.

He looked at the door, and never it had looked so tempting before.

It took only a few minutes, then he grabbed his shoes and got out, without a clear idea of what he was going to do.

 

~

 

He had gotten in front of Junno’s door in a little more than half an hour; suddenly he felt like it was wrong for him to be there, that it was pointless, that he should’ve gotten back home, wallowing in his thoughts and, maybe, some alcohol.

He hated that thought, but if he had rang, Junno had opened and had been with _her_...

He wasn’t going to stand it.

But on the other hand, he was there now. The bravery he had felt the moment he had gotten out had faded during the ride, but a miniscule part of it was still inside him.

And it told him that ringing the bell was the only way to get out of it, so he did.

He didn’t have to wait much.

Junno went to the door, looking surprised in seeing him there.

Koki quickly glimpsed inside and was relieved when he didn’t see female shoes next to the other man’s.

He looked at him, suddenly embarrassed.

He still didn’t know what he was going to say, but he needed to say something.

Junno didn’t let him, though.

“Koki! I... what are you doing here? I mean, I’m glad to see you. Come on in.” he said in a rush, moving aside to let him inside the apartment.

They moved to the living room, small and comfortable, and Taguchi asked him to sit down, but he shook his head.

“No, thank you. I just came here to talk.” he said, hesitating.

Junno stared at him, his eyes curious and careful. He was clearly confused and anxious, but still relieved at the thought of finally make things clear between them.

And for Koki, that hopeful look proved to be too much.

He leant toward him, bringing a hand around his neck and pressing his lips on his.

It was like everything that was surrounding him had disappeared.

He was kissing him. And despite the thousand times he had imagined it, he still couldn’t understand how it was possible.

In that moment it was like there was no such thing as consequences, as if after that kiss there was nothing else important coming, nothing to harm the happiness he was feeling right now.

Junno wasn’t pushing him away, he kissed him back mechanically, as if it was his instinct telling him that he should’ve done so.

They parted, both their breaths heavy, and Koki raised his eyes on him to try and read any sign: disgust, anger, disappointment, sadness.

But there was nothing on Junno’s face.

“Ko-chan...” he just said, and Koki forgot about getting bothered by the nickname. He started talking, as if he couldn’t help it.

“I know. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve tried to ignore what I feel for you, I’ve been trying for years. But nothing’s changed, every morning I wake up hoping it’s over and it never is. I love you, Junnosuke, I always have.” he said, the words a river in flood that he couldn’t control. They hurt him, because they brought with them all the pain of those years spent in a silence that was finally broken; words that might’ve taken him anywhere, from the best places to those that his mind even refused to imagine.

It was all in the hands of the man standing in front of him, whose expression had gotten concerned.

He hadn’t answered.

Koki didn’t know how to interpret that silence, or maybe he didn’t have the strength to do so. He felt on the verge of a panic attack, and he didn’t even know why.

He felt empty and he needed Junno to say something, anything.

But he didn’t get any words from him.

The younger got closer, tentatively. He brought a hand on Koki’s shoulder, leaning in to look him in the eyes.

Then slowly, _too_ slowly, he pressed their lips together again.  

And there the panic disappeared, and Koki felt like crying.

He didn’t exactly know why; he just knew he was feeling too much, and that sensation was proof of it.

He was too overwhelmed to realise it was just a kiss, not an answer.

A kiss that was going on, more vehement than the first. He had grabbed the other’s hair, pulling him even closer, while his other hand had gone to the hem of his shirt; Junno’s hands meanwhile held him close, making his feel a weird sensation, pleasant, which he felt he could’ve gotten used to easily.

They reached the couch somehow, and fell down on top of each other. Just then they stopped kissing, and Koki was able to look at him, again, feeling that he was never going to grow tired of it.

He brushed his hand on his naked back, pressing his forehead on the crook of his neck.

“I... I know it’s sudden. I don’t mean to rush it. But if I still have time, I want to hold you like this. You have no idea how all of this makes me feel.” he said, then chuckled, embarrassed.

He saw him breathe in deeply. Then the breath became shallow and he sat up, worried.

Junno did the same; Koki saw him resting his elbows on his knees, taking his face in his hands.

He held his breath, not daring to touch him.

When the younger raised his eyes again, Koki read his answer in them.

He didn’t like it. At all.

“I’m... I’m sorry. I can’t.” was all Junno managed to say, then he rushed to look down.

And Tanaka fully understood what it meant to feel the earth opening beneath his feet.

He pulled back, instinctively.

“You let me kiss you. Damn, you kissed me. You let me...” the words he had said before were starting to look grotesque. “You can’t.” he whispered, frowning.

And then he did what he had learnt to do best, lately; he ran, because again he felt incapable of being in the same room as him, feeling that he had hoped he could’ve forgotten.

He got down in the street, like a robot. Every move he made was mechanical, as if he wasn’t the one actually doing it.

He had been walking for a few minutes, then he stopped all of a sudden, realising what had happened.

He felt so damn stupid.

He thought about all he had said, he cursed every waver, every show of his own happiness, every single thing he had done.

He cursed having been about to cry more than anything, because no one had ever saw him crying, because it made him weak.

And he hated feeling weak.

Defenceless, bare, lacking any shield.

And Junno had deluded him for those few minutes, and then had thrown him back to that damn abyss he came from.

There was nothing left to believe or hope.

He had gotten the rejection he wanted.

But he knew that wasn’t going to do him much good anymore, because now he knew what it meant to be able to hold Junno close.

He wasn’t getting out of it.


	4. Mayou Tabi, Shinjite my Heart (Every time I was about to lose myself, I believed in my heart)

_Waratta sono bashou wo_

_Itsumademo wasurezu ni._

_*_

_Never forget the moments_

_When you laughed._

[Yes? No?, Arashi]

****

Taguchi had stayed home. Frozen.

Had it made any sense, he would’ve followed him.

Had he been able to make things better, he would’ve chased after him.

But it would’ve been useless, it would’ve just made both of them feel worse.

What could he say?

He knew how it would’ve ended; he would’ve stopped him, he would’ve blabbed some incoherent word and then he would’ve apologised, knowing that Koki had no use for his sorrow.

So, he had stayed put.

Sitting on that couch, even though he was disturbed that until a few minutes later he had been laying there with Koki on top of him.

With Koki touching him. With Koki kissing him. With Koki who had been looking so _happy_ , like he had never seen him.

He felt even worse.

It had been a continuous surprise; the tears that were clearly there, his words, his gestures... they were all things he hadn’t been expecting. And not expecting them, he had let his instinct take the lead.

That was why he had allowed the elder to kiss me, that was why he had let it get that far. Because his mind was telling him he wanted to see that happiness, that smile on Koki’s face, forever. And that he wanted to be the reason behind that smile.

But the price for that desire had become too high.

He had tried and had lost his battle.

While he felt the other man’s hands on him, while he felt his lips brushing him, he had started to think and had reached a painful conclusion: he didn’t love him.

He _adored_ Koki. He was his best friend, he was someone he always wanted to spend his time with, and likely he would’ve given him everything, had he asked.

But all of that wasn’t love, not for him.

He could’ve gotten to the point of pretending for his sake, but it wouldn’t have been fair, it couldn’t have brought anything good.

He knew it had been wrong to mislead him, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to explain what his mind and his body had done to bring him to kiss him back. Koki wouldn’t have listened, and Junno couldn’t say he would’ve been wrong.

He likely had managed to be hated, and it didn’t even seem like a terrible thought; he’d rather Koki be mad at him, hate him for what he had done. To get rid of that love that, Junno knew it, wasn’t healthy.

He would’ve stood his silences eternally to see his smiles, even just one, one day, it would’ve been an adequate prize.

Because he still had his bewildered face in his mind, how horrified he had looked the moment he had realised Taguchi was rejecting him.

It was an image that disgusted him because he had been responsible for it, he and his incredible idiocy, his inability to react coherently to unexpected circumstances.

Now that he thought about it, actually, he had been blind enough to miss why Koki had been suffering.

Another thing to regret, and he didn’t need it.

But after all, had he noticed before the elder had told him, it wouldn’t have changed how he felt.

What would’ve changed, perhaps, would’ve been his approach to the situation.

His mind wandered to every moment of physical contact between them that could’ve been avoided, to all those things that, he was sure of it, would’ve only served the purpose of making the elder feel even more uncomfortable with him now.

He had the answer he was looking for. He knew what Koki’s issue was, he knew why he had grown apart, he knew why he had reacted like that to his relationship with Rena.

It was an answer he hated, because he had no solution for it.

He had hoped in something simpler, that could’ve been resolved with time, that didn’t force them both to feel like this, because now they shared the same pain.

The pain of not being loved on one hand, the pain of not being able to love on the other.

It hurt, more than he could’ve imagined.

With the only difference that Tanaka had brought that pain inside himself for years.

Junno collapsed heavily against the backrest, closing his eyes.

He wanted for someone to tell him what to do. He wanted to get out of this.

He wished he could’ve woken up and realise it had all been a dream; get out, go to Koki and see him smile, sincerely.

One of those that now lived only in his memories, and he wasn’t going to forget those smiles, nor those they shared together.

It may have been taken time or maybe it would’ve never been enough, but Taguchi was never going to stop hoping that they could make up for what they had lost tonight, all the years where they had strenuously built mutual trust, a relationship that had always been honest on his part, all destroyed in those few minutes he still couldn’t understand.

He bit his lip.

He kept thinking, incessantly, growing tired of the circles his mind was closed in.

He needed to talk with someone, but he knew the only one who would’ve understood was also the one he couldn’t talk to.

He laid down on the couch, feeling too tired all of a sudden.

He didn’t want to do anything.

He didn’t want to go to work next day, he didn’t want to see the look on Koki’s face. He could imagine it perfectly, evasive, angry, embarrassed. Without looking him in the eyes, without smiling, because there really was no reason for it.

Because Junno wasn’t going to smile either, for once.

He wanted to disappear. Right now.

Again the guilt caught up with him, perhaps with no reason to be.

He kept telling himself he couldn’t help it, that he couldn’t be mad at himself for a feeling he didn’t have, but at the same time he felt useless, he felt an anger which he couldn’t even name yet.

He was guilty of all those smiles that weren’t going to be there anymore.

_Never forget the moments when you’ve smiled._

He wasn’t going to forget them. He would’ve smiled again, and so would’ve Koki. It would’ve taken time and trust.

But on those smiles, he knew it, there was always going to be the shadow of this cursed night.

He closed his eyes, exhausted by that feeling of discomfort and vague fear for what was coming.

He deluded himself into thinking he would’ve been able to sleep, but Koki’s face kept haunting him.

Agitated, he wondered how it was actually going to end.

But he had no answers; and, again, he had no solution.

He could just wait. Useless, as always.


	5. Naimononedari Blues (Afraid of desiring the impossible)

_Michitariterunoni ubaiau_

_Ai no kage wo otte iru._

_*_

_You’ve fought but you’ve had enough_

_And now you chase the shadow of love._

[Prisoner of Love, Utada Hikaru]

****

How long had it been?

Koki wasn’t sure.

He just knew his relationship with Junno had grown cold. Inexistent, more like it.

He went inside the green rooms and looked at him, without even wasting a greeting.

He found himself being watched by the others, but he didn’t give a damn. Nakamaru had been the only one concerned enough to ask what was going on, but Koki hadn’t bothered giving him an honest answer. He had told him there was nothing wrong, and Nakamaru had pretended to believe him, once realized he wasn’t going to get much more than that.

He didn’t want to talk about it. He had thought that it could’ve helped him, but every time he tried, every time he took the phone to call someone, he changed his mind right away.

What was he supposed to say?

Junno hadn’t meant to, but still he felt humiliated; so he didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to say how bad he felt, how disappointed, how embittered.

How much pain he felt.

He didn’t want them to know how his strength was just an act. He was far weaker than he thought he was.

Taguchi, on his hand, had kept his distance as well. Koki didn’t know if it was out of shame, if he didn’t want to talk about it either, or just because he didn’t want to take the first step; he just knew he didn’t have to make such a great effort to avoid him, because he was being avoided too.

As for everything else, he felt like he didn’t have a life anymore. He rejected any invitation to go out to dinner or for drinks, he didn’t want to do anything that wasn’t staying home, laying on the couch and overthinking stuff; every time he ended up opening a bottle of something, anything, and drank to the point of rendering himself unable to focus on what had happened.

He felt pathetic, and he actually was, but it was the only way he knew how to stop himself from doing something even more stupid than he already had.

He kept working his way through an endless series of ‘ifs’.

If he hadn’t told him...

If he hadn’t kissed him...

If he hadn’t given in to that kiss, to the thought that he had finally made it, if he hadn’t missed to realise there was something wrong.

If, if, if.

But it was perfectly useless to thought about it now. What was done was done, and as much as he desired to go back to that night and not make the same mistakes, he couldn’t.

He wouldn’t have shown his weakness, because having been to the verge of tears had been worse than the rejection itself.

It wasn’t right, but it was like he had felt more exposed, as if he had shown all of himself to Junno, as if he didn’t have a dignity to protect anymore.

In that moment, alone, at home, with the usual ever-full glass, he felt like he didn’t have a reason to keep on living anymore.

He wasn’t one to try and kill himself, he still cared about his life and he knew there were people caring even more than he did, people who would’ve suffered.

He would’ve never done something like that, but that thought did nothing to help the way he was feeling.

Taken by a complete apathy, spending his night with sadness and alcohol, with no will to get up in the morning nor to go to sleep at night, not wanting to go out, go to work, go to see his family.

All those things that had always kept him going, that had made him feel happy, satisfied with his existence, and that suddenly he didn’t have anymore.

For all the time he had been in love with Junno, he had always thought it would’ve been enough to be able to be close to him, without asking for more. Now that he knew what was the part he was missing, now that this love wasn’t a secret anymore, he felt like he missed something, like it had been tarnished somehow.

He felt bad, nothing else. He didn’t really need a reason for it, to keep thinking obsessively about it, he couldn’t end that vicious circle of pondering and alcohol and confusion, that had been going on for days.

He knew he was just supposed to wait, that if the pain wasn’t going to completely go away, at least it would’ve dimmed, it would’ve stopped being so sharp.

But he still couldn’t believe that one day he would’ve woken up and it wasn’t going to hurt anymore.

He had fought and he was tired, and all that was left for him to do was to chase the shadow of that love that had persecuted him through all those years, and that had disappeared the moment it had gotten real.

He had had the certainty he wanted. Junno was never going to belong to him, because he couldn’t.

And if in his heart he had always known that, having it thrown in his face had been worse than he would’ve thought.

He had nothing to hope anymore.

 

~

 

One night, about a week later, Koki was changing his clothes after they were done shooting for a TV show.

He had said goodbye to Kame and Akanishi, the first to leave, then to Ueda, until only he, Taguchi and Nakamaru were left.

He had tried to rush it, so to avoid being alone with the younger, but Nakamaru still had managed to do better.

Tanaka took a mental note to kill him as soon as he would’ve gotten him alone.

He raised his eyes briefly on Junno, trying to be stealthy about it, and he saw that he was looking as well; he went back staring at the wall in front of him, worried about the situation and anxious to get out of that room as soon as humanly possible.

Once he was done he turned, and found Junno facing him, sitting in the middle of the room, waiting.

“Koki...” he murmured, some sort of resignation in his voice.

Koki bit down on his lip, frowning; he was evaluating his options.

He could’ve just left, sure that he wasn’t going to be stopped.

He could’ve told Junno he had no intention to talk to him.

He could’ve done a lot of things that would’ve made the whole thing worse.

And then there was the option frightening him the most.

He could stay there, silent and still, and listen to what he had to say.

But what he wanted didn’t matter much, because if Taguchi had decided to talk he would’ve done so, no matter the cost.

He decided it was better to gain what little control he could over the conversation, to avoid being overwhelmed.

“What is it?” he asked, neutral.

“We haven’t been talking in weeks, Koki. I... I miss you.” Junno said, without the courage to look him in the eyes.

Koki licked his lips, annoyed at the last statement.

“So? What were you thinking we should do?”

Junno raised his eyes, and Koki wavered. They told a lot about what the younger man had been through these past weeks. He had suffered as well about what had happened; perhaps not like him, for sure not the same kind of pain, but he hadn’t been good, and it could’ve been enough to make Koki cave, to make him feel like hugging him, telling him that everything was going to be fine, that it was nothing serious.

It made him feel like lying to him and bring it all back to normal.

“I wish we could be able to talk again, at least. I don’t know, well, if you still want to be my friend, but I’d like for us to try. If... if it’s not too much, of course.” he said, and Tanaka saw how he was pondering every word to avoid saying something wrong, to avoid to make him leave, not bearing the weight of the conversation.

After all, there weren’t right or wrong things to say, because had there been they wouldn’t have found themselves like this.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend. On the contrary. I wish I could talk to you again, that we can joke together again. I wish I could laugh. But it’s not easy, and you should know that better than me.” he explained, frustrated for the stasis their relationship was in. Maybe Junno thought it all depended on him, but _it wasn’t easy_.

“I know it’s not easy, that it takes time, that...” he took a deep breath, biting his lip, and it seemed to Koki like he was about to cry. “I know I’ve hurt you, Koki, and you have no idea how that makes me feel. I want to be clear: I wasn’t messing with you, with how you feel. I don’t know what was going through my mind that moment. I just know it felt natural, and then... I got scared, somehow. I got scared about what we were doing, of what you had told me, of what could’ve happened if we had taken it... further. I know what I’ve done has hurt you. I just want you to know I didn’t mean to.” he said, stopping to breathe, looking at the other man in the eyes. He was crying, quietly, almost as a reflection of what he had said.

Koki didn’t know how to feel anymore.

His instinct told him he felt sorry for Junno, because the way he felt was his fault.

His mind told him he had suffered too, and that they were on the same boat.

Then his heart told him to hug him right now, or he would’ve regretted it.

Hesitating, like a kid at his first crush, he got closer to him and knelt on the floor, so that he could look him in the eyes.

He was almost afraid to touch him, but in the end he gathered up his strength, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Junno. Everything’s fine.” he murmured, holding him tight. Having him so close was unhealthy, but he was in by now, and it didn’t matter anymore. “We can forget it ever happened, if you want. It doesn’t matter to me and... you’re more important than what I’ve felt.” he chose his words accurately, so that the younger wouldn’t notice how much it hurt him to say them. “Nothing changes the fact that you’re my friend, and that I care about you. Alright?” he said, whispering, then he stopped talking because he knew that going on would’ve meant to start crying for real, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

He felt Junno nod, and suddenly he felt better.

He didn’t know what was going to happen, he just knew that not talking to Junno hurt worse than lying to himself did.

They kept still for a while, close to each other, and Koki let himself go to that feeling of bliss, ignoring that voice in his head telling him it was going to be over soon.

Koki had fought. He was tired, exhausted but that battle to gain some peace of mind.

He had chased the shadow of that love that wasn’t destined to be. And he had lost.

Now it was time to go on, still wearing the wounds of that battle.

Forever.


End file.
